I stood there leaning against the wall with my fingers pressed into my temples, trying desperately to make the pounding go away and refocus my mind. I hate when I get this way. I know I can get my self out of it, but if I don’t do it in time it is a nasty downward spiral of mental and emotional chaos. Anxiety and depression have always been something I had to combat. When I was a teenager I had no idea what these feelings were of how to properly deal with them. After a breakdown in college I learned how to manage my Bipolar II with it’s anxiety and depression. Sometimes with medication. Sometimes with self discipline of how I run my life. Caffeine, big no no. Forgetting to eat or sleep, not good. Putting myself in high stress situations continuously with no time to refocus or recovery, danger alert.
Yet none of these things were what had set me off that afternoon. It was that sneaky enemy of happiness. Discontent. I had seen some friends that morning and went directly into comparison mode. They had careers, I had a job. They have houses, I live in an apartment. They have children, I have a dog. They are beautiful, I struggle with adult acne. They feel good about their lives, I feel inferior. They know what they want in life, I worked my life away for 5 years to find it wasn’t what I wanted. Most of the thoughts weren’t even completely true. (not all of them have houses, or kids, or it “all together”) Yet, my mind was still screaming them and running away faster than I had time to catch it. I was tired from the holidays and the move. I didn’t have the self discipline to focus on real and positive thoughts. I was in a downward spiral that was rapidly getting worse. I stepped into a quiet area and I refocused my mind. Comparing myself to them did nothing but destroy my happiness. I had many reasons to be happy. I would not let depression slip in because of what someone else may or may not have. Later I got to talk to a friend about how I was feeling. They reassured me that those thoughts were unrealistic and that I was fine the way I was and no one looked down on me or thought of me as less. I was the one doing that. We are all in different seasons of life. That is natural and perfectly ok.
After all this I did make a new years resolution. By the time my birthday comes around this year I would like to be at peace with who and what I am, and able to release past regrets. This means I will have to do a lot of changing my minds sets and a little bit of changing me and circumstances that I have control over. Inner peace comes from the inside. Simple, yet profound. Nothing anyone else does affects it. It is all up to us.