I had a “moment” today. A very emotionally unstable moment. I was suddenly overwhelmed by hospital bills. Above all things I HATE dealing with the paperwork and phone calls that are involved in doctors, hospitals, and not having insurance. It became too much for me. I threw myself on the bed and had a pity party. A few minutes later I pealed my face out of the pillow and decided that this “pity party” needed to be over. So I silently sobbed through washing the dishes and listened to some inspirational music. After a brief phone conversation with my husband I was almost fully back to “normal”.
I knew the right words to tell myself. I didn’t need anyone else to say them I had said them myself a hundred times before. I knew it was going to be ok. That everything will work out and I worrying will only be bad for me and the baby. I knew. Yet for 5 minutes I was overwhelmed with this sense of… overwhelmed. My mind shut down and with it my reasoning. I felt lost and beyond reconcile.
But I’ve felt this way before.
That feeling of “is this the right step” when I was 17 and chose to leave the only home and family I had ever known, because I had had enough with the abuse and wanted a better for myself. That feeling I had when I got behind the wheel of a car the first time and almost failed Drivers Ed the first day. The feeling of “have I ruined everything” that I felt at 19 when I left my first serious relationship and got kicked out of ministry school all in the same weekend. The feeling of “are you sure that I am capable of doing this” that pursuing my Ministry Credentials brought. The “I’m not adult enough” I had while planning my Wedding. That sick to your stomach feeling when your husband tells you that you’re leaving everything behind and moving across the country to live with strangers.
I had felt this way before, and guess what… I made it.
My mom got help and so did I. I am well on the way to recovery from my abuse and have turned my life far from that direction.
I can drive. Rather safely I might add. I even had a CDL permit for a while.
I made it back into school the next year and my life went on. It didn’t end that weekend. He is a better person today because of that break up. So am I.
I finished school and did receive my Ministry Credentials. I even used them for a year.
The Wedding went off without a hitch and was absolutely stunning. (The marriage is pretty awesome as well)
I love Texas. I have learned so many things from that move. About myself. About my husband. Our marriage has grown stronger. I’ve made amazing new friends. I’ve been able to heal past wounds. I even learned that maybe I don’t need so much STUFF and that I don’t have to dress and act like diva to be beautiful.
The end may not have always been exactly what I wanted, but after those feelings always came a better day. It may not have been the very next day, but I was always better for whatever I walked through. As I will be with this.
This child will teach me so many new things I have yet to imagine I need to learn.
I am excited.
For though today I feel overwhelmed. I know someday in the near future, I will instead be overwhelmed with new joy.