When I was a young adult (19 or 20) I was convinced that my story of what I had been through, overcome, and was overcoming, was going to change the world. I thought that I needed to write it all down and one day I would share it with millions. I was convinced it would inspire them and help young women everywhere. I felt like a “one in a million” person who had been through great adversity and overcame. As I got further on in life I realized I was one of a million who had been through the mud and dirt. Even though I thought I had overcome it… there is still far for me to go. Now, I feel like another dot on the map. I blend in so well you might not even realize that I am special at all. Then again, we are all special therefore no one is special..right?! Today as I was listening to Beyonce’s song “Pretty Hurts”, it brought me back to some dark times in my life.
When I “overcame” my eating disorder, I believe a large part of it was because I realized that it had more to do with a mindset than with food. I might no longer be anorexic, a cutter, in abusive relationships, suicidal, or a helpless victim of what was done to me as a child, but I do still face the monsters that were created as a result of those things. See those things are well buried in my past, but the mindsets, the voices that shout, they still remain. They manifest in different forms. Instead of not eating anything, I don’t care about what I do eat and eat crap to hide away from stress (it isn’t all the time, but it happens). Instead of trying to please my parents and find approval from any guy that will give me the time of day, I try desperately to gain the approval of my boss, co-workers, and gain the approval my husband to the point of over working and being an overachiever (and often doing things that don’t make sense to my husband because all he wants is for me to spend time with him and to be happy). I still have moments and days where I don’t feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, educated enough, balanced enough, athletic enough, disciplined enough. I don’t feel that I AM ENOUGH…and wasn’t that always the problem?
See, it wasn’t that I was mistreated, or ugly, or dumb, or useless. or had a bad hand of cards dealt to me as a kid. It was that I didn’t feel like I was enough. Somewhere between learning to tie my shoes and tying the knot, life threw a million messages my way that I was NOT ENOUGH. For some strange reason this intelligent woman believed them. I let every word spoken to, over, and about me become louder than the truth that was inside me.
It isn’t going to cease overnight. In fact I just finished a pretty messy sobbing episode that was brought on by me feeling that I wasn’t “doing it all”. I look back and see that I really have come far from where I was 10 years ago, but I have so much farther to go before I reach where I would like to be. My life isn’t anything spectacular or inspirational that will move millions, but I hope it moves someone to see past the “not enough’s” that are shouted at them from every side and to look inward for the truth of “enough”.